Caption Contest

Someone has good aim...

not sure if that is a bottle of grey goose or not, but that is a very accurate throw. Kudos for your aim sir, and for showing Jersey the meaning of classy. Philly > Jersey?



West Virginia is just relieved that Philly hasnt stolen their time-honored tradition of celebrating wins and/or losses with the burning of indoor furniture (which may or may not have made a transition to porch furniture at some point).

NOTE: am I the only one that heard the dull clink of the bottle hitting this guy in the head.

From the Bench - 10/31/08

"On April 5, 1996, this Court ordered Plaintiff to show cause why this Court should not impose Rule 11 sanctions upon him for filing a motion for improper purposes. The motion which Plaintiff filed was entitled "Motion to Kiss My Ass" (Doc. 107) in which he moved "all Americans at large and one corrupt Judge Smith [to] kiss my got [sic] damn ass sorry mother fucker you." This Court gave Plaintiff until April 25, 1996, to respond and specifically warned: "Failure to comply with this Order will result in dismissal of this case." Plaintiff has appealed the show-cause order to the United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit. As the April 5 Order was not a final order, Plaintiff’s appeal is an interlocutory appeal and, as such, this Court retains jurisdiction over the parties and matters in this case. As of the date indicated below, Plaintiff has not responded to the show-cause order. Therefore, this Court DISMISSES WITH PREJUDICE the above-captioned case for Plaintiff’s complete disregard of and noncompliance with an explicit court order."

---Washington v. Alaimo, 934 S.Supp. 1395 (S.D.Ga. 1996)(citation omitted).

Weekend Warning Trick or Treat style...Because he looks so normal and non-molestish

thanks to barstoolsports.com for finding this gem.


Does this look like the face of a sex offender?
we didnt think so either. For those in Concord...we felt/feel compelled to pass along this story. Be careful where you trick or treat folks. Avoid the underpasses and trailer parks.
Concord, NH
Jonathan Perfetto, a repeat sex offender, left prison eight days ago. He's living in a Concord parking garage and spending his days at the city library. He never finished sex offender treatment in prison, and he has no one supervising him.
Makes sense.

Perfetto's biggest fear, he says, is that he's going to reoffend. His measure of success isn't reassuring. "I haven't bought pornography yet, and I've been out (of prison) almost a week," he said yesterday.

Baby steps...right?

He failed so frequently in prison that he "maxed out" his sentence last week and landed in Concord alone, broke and homeless. He can't get into a shelter, because none takes sex offenders. And he can't get treatment, because he can't pay for it.
Perfetto, 34, began sexually assaulting people at age 17. In 1991, he molested a young relative in Manchester, he said. He served a short sentence at the Youth Development Center, followed by a stay at a Massachusetts group home. He violated his probation with an arrest for petty larceny.
Perfetto spent the next few years living in homeless shelters in Manchester and Nashua, he said. He spent some time in Concord, living in his car. But by 1999, he lost control; in that one year, he was charged with sexually molesting or assaulting three women, he said.
First, Perfetto sexually assaulted a woman at a homeless shelter. Those charges were eventually dropped, he said, when the woman failed to show for the court case. Her boyfriend "got even" by punching Perfetto in the nose five times, he said.

That seemed to work...wait.

That same year, Perfetto began seeing a woman he described as "mildly retarded." The woman and her mother had been staying in a Manchester shelter, and Perfetto invited them to spend a stormy night at a mobile home he was renting in Goffstown.

I think we all know where this is going, right? Those who have not had this happen to you, ye cast the first stone. Does that mug up there look like the face of someone that would take advantage of a mildly retarded girl in a rented mobile home...?

A few months later, Perfetto assaulted the third woman, this one a 20-year-old friend of his brother, he said. He describes it this way: "I goosed her, and then when I reached for some bread (at the table), my hand touched her chest."

Brother? Wait...what? He goosed her and then touched her chest while grabbing bread. I mean...fella...you screwed a mentally handicapped girl in a trailer...why are we quibbling over bread/chest groping?

Perfetto was released from jail in July 2000 but didn't maintain his freedom long. In February 2001, a friend borrowed Perfetto's laptop computer and discovered that it was loaded with child pornography, he said. The friend notified the police, and Perfetto was arrested again.
"I rationalized it," Perfetto said yesterday of the child pornography. "I thought, 'I'm not molesting anyone, but I can look at the pictures.' I can have my cake and eat it, too."

[no comment. just wow]
Perfetto began sex offender treatment almost immediately but was kicked out for breaking prison rules. Some violations were small: He walked around in his socks, not his shoes as required. Some were not: Perfetto said he sexually assaulted someone inside the prison. True, that isnt a small violation.Perfetto bounced in and out of the sex offender treatment program for three years before he was removed for good in 2005. Perfetto had been given a final chance to participate but was kicked out for breaking rules. His final error was standing for the morning count without his prison-issued shirt on, he said.
"I'm absentminded," he said yesterday.

If we had to sum up the problems with Perfetto (aside from him being a waste of an awesome last name), number one on the list would probably be absentmindedness.
*Follow the link for the full story... it involves a man, his plan and that plan coming to a screaching halt due in small part to a skirmish that all started because of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Seriously?

He looks like a drunk behometh 8 year old with an incredible drive and poor fashion sense.

Details from withleather
Officers described Daly as extremely intoxicated and uncooperative. He repeated he didn’t want to go to the hospital.

Hooters employees asked Daly to leave. But Daly did not have transportation. Officers say he was part of a group traveling on a tour bus. The group left Daly behind at the Hooters because they didn’t want him to continue traveling with them.

John? Daly? Hooters? Drunk? Shunned from his tour bus group?

I am sorry but this is all just too incredible to believe. Seriously, a tour bus? I want to know more about this now.

Tara Reid will stop the world and melt with you

*Picture courtesy of Superficial--strong work

Tara Reid reports, "that she is not perfect."
Really?
People reports that Tara Reid has a message for anyone wishing to criticize her body: Enough already! After unflattering bikini shots of her surfaced last week, Reid faced a barrage of Internet attacks aimed at her post-surgery figure. "I've been a media target for years now," the actress, 32, tells PEOPLE. "It does hurt my feelings, but what can I do? I have to move on."

Really? Because all this time we have been thinking that the media has been giving you the short end of the stick with your drunk public displays. You lash out Tara! Give 'em hell. Get it all out. By the way, why hasnt she made a public issue of the butchering she received at the hands of this "plastic surgeon?"

Madonna, creepy, old, rich and old

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The End Times

They are upon us.

Didn't the ATF just break up a plot to assassinate Obama?

Not that Rednecks and Skinheads are one and the same, but the potential for overlap is too obvious to ignore.

So what is a Skinhead Redneck to do?

He can't vote for Obama, that would violate his Aryan code. But he can't abandon his brother 'Necks either. He is dependent upon them for fellowship in the brotherhood of NASCAR (and super hot discounts at the local O'Reilly's store).

More troubling may be the reaction from the respective camps. Already a minority, the Skinheads cannot allow an entire faction to simply abandon the cause, while the Rednecks will view the rift as an opportunity to gain power in non-traditional states, like Michigan.

However it plays out, I'm looking forward to stories involving white tuxes and top hats.

What? I wasn't listening 10/30

Keira Knightley.

doesnt matter whether she bends it like beckham (sexual innuendo is not even worth typing here) or is a pirate wench...she is a favorite.

We just felt kind of awkward catching her right in the middle of putting on this ill-fitting 4 XL grey tank top.

Is he a cowboy or gentleman?

You just gave the non-alumni fans of Arkansas and Oklahoma something to shoot for. Oh...that clip is so wonderful.

I like the "damnit" right in the middle. It was almost like this classy fella knew you were about to lose interest and wanted to reel you back in like a 4 1/2 lb. catfish.

This silver-tongued devil reminds me of distant relatives the family really hopes will blow off the next holiday gathering due to any of the following:

1. studying for any upcoming 'licensure' exam that may involve stuffing/handling dead animals, driving 18-wheelers or handling concealed weapons ("studying" can also mean efforting one's way through the required paperwork);
2. license still suspended;
3. concerned about "getting served" at any place where his/her attendance is probable;
4. none of the 10 'vehicles in the yard' are currently working.

Excuses we will never hear but we are all really hoping keep them from attending:

1. at the dentist;
2. at work;
3. at an interview;
4. lowjack working properly.

John Madden vs. Steve Irwin

I mean...on the one hand, Madden does have the excuse that his pic was from about 20 years ago (at least).

Which of these guys, if it were possible, would you least want to have a long conversation with? I am seriously torn. The crocodile hunter seemed like a pretty good bloke, but I am not sure I could deal with his level of prolonged excitement.

I wonder if not for John Madden, whether Pat Summerall would have been driven to the depths of his alcoholism. I couldnt sit up there and watch game after game with a John Madden for 22 years. No thanks. No matter how much I enjoy the occassional "rat and the piece of cheese" analogies describing how a running back find his running lanes.

Just the thought of Madden talking to someone else on my tv makes me want to drop a few ice cubes into a highball and let my frustration melt away.

Seriously? Traci Bingham?

I am not sure why she is pseudo famous. I am not sure why some find her pseudo hot.

I will give this to Traci Bingham, she knows how to look like her trash.

My man John Witherspoon would be proud. Playing David Alan Grier's dad in Boomerang, he has a propensity for coordinating his wardrobe with mushrooms. "got a mushroom shirt, mushroom ring...see the inside of the jacket...mushrooms."

--"Now all you need is a mushroom belt"

Ms. Bingham must have been inspired by Witherspoon's "you gots to coordinate"

Meet the Midweek Mascot-Special Edition-

The Stanford Tree. Perhaps one of Juxtaposably's favorites. The tree is full of rich tradition. Although not technically a mascot of Stanford, the tree is associated with being the unofficial mascot due to Stanford having the team name "Cardinal" as in the color and not the bird (which could have made things simpler).

The Stanford Tree is actually a member of the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band (LSJUMB) and appears at football games, basketball games, and other events where the Band performs.

During the first decade of the tree's existence, it was a role played by the band manager's girlfriend. This was soon replaced by a gruelling and humiliating competition. The competition that takes place during "tree week" involves competitors doing whatever they can to impress the tree selection committee.

The Tree's costume, in case one cannot tell, is newly created each year by the incoming tree.

The Tree has been the target of many pranks as Stanford and Cal routinely play. The Tree has recently had some bad publicity as one Tree was cited for public drunkeness after she was observed drinking from a flask and found to have a BAC of .157. Then, her replacement- was ejected during the Stanford women's basketball team's NCAA tournament game against Florida State University for "dancing in an undesignated area," following an earlier scuffle with tournament security, from whom he had attempted to escape by hurling himself across the basketball court on a rolling chair.

Live on Tree. Live on.

George Schultz, Welcome to Nowhereville, Population, You

McCain went on Meet the Press this weekend to counter Colin Powell's endorsement of Obama. His best argument? Five other Secretary of States endorsed him: (1) Baker, (2) Kissinger, (3) Eagleburger, (4) Hague . . . and . . . and . . .



In other news, Obama announced a new endorsement from George Schultz.

Damnit Jeb, I said 102, not 103!

Those crazy skinheads are at it again. Today the ATF reported that it foiled a plot to assassinate Obama. But leave it to the skinheads to get creative:

The ATF says it has broken up a plot to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and shoot or decapitate 102 black people in a Tennessee murder spree. Link here.

Are you going to assassinate Obama or shoot and/or decapitate 102 black people? Which is it, cause you're not doing both.

And if you're thinking these decapitated minded-skinheads lack the class to be mentioned in the same sentence with the likes of marksman Lee Harvey Oswald, or the politically determined John Wilkes Booth, then think again:

Apparently befitting the historic assault, Cowart and Schlesselman "stated they would dress in all white tuxedos and wear top hats during the assassination attempt."

Take that Charles Guiteau (who, upon assassinating President Garfield in 1881, offered the following exaultation: "'I am a Stalwart of the Stalwarts . . . Arthur is President now!!'").

Hat tip to Tennessee (again).

Ty Willingham out at Washington.

In other shocking news:

-McCain an old saggy white guy

-Megan Fox is moderately attractive

-Economy is in trouble

-OJ going to jail

WE ARE JUST DOING OUR PART

Update!! Manuel Uribe is hitched...I mean married.

Fat Person, Mexico

Manuel Uribe isnt literally hitched to anything...he is merely riding atop a flatbed truck [zinger].world's heaviest man has tied the knot. Manuel Uribe, who hasn't left his bed in six years, married his longtime girlfriend Claudia Solis Sunday in northern Mexico.

Wearing a white silk shirt with a sheet wrapped around his legs, Uribe smiled as Solis, 38, walked down a flight of stairs wearing a strapless ivory dress, a tiara and hot-pink lipstick.

Uribe's mother, Orquedia Garza, said the groom steered clear of the five-tier wedding cake.
"He didn't break his diet," she told The Associated Press. "His doctors are here and they are watching him very closely."

A flatbed truck was brought in to tow his custom-made bed decorated with a canopy, flowers and gold-trimmed bows to the wedding at a local event hall. Two police patrol cars escorted him ahead of a long line of traffic.

Oh, good. We here at Juxtaposably wish Manuel and his bride the best. **[picture above is of Manuel and not the Pope]

Little known Uribe fact: He was a former mechanic.

Fans will be Fans

Stockholm
Supporters of the Stockholm-based AIK ice hockey team scored an unusual hat trick of heckling on Tuesday night featuring dildos, profane banners, and a giant inflatable penis.

The website for AIK’s unofficial supporter group had instructed fans to bring dildos to the match to remind Huokko of the sex scandal which plagued him earlier in the year, according to the Expressen newspaper.

“We’d also heard mention of it, but we decided that it would only be worse if we went out and told the fans they were absolutely not allowed to throw dildos on the ice,” said AIK club head Mats Hedenström to the newspaper.

Nice strategy. I am going to have to remember this quote. This as a "context-free quote" could create some head-scratching fun.

Lars G. Karlsson, an official from Sweden’s ice hockey association, called the sex-toy storm “a non-issue”.“It didn’t affect play at all. People barely noticed it,” he said.


I bet nobody noticed.

Huokko had recorded the [sex] clip on his mobile phone, and wasn’t surprised to find it spreading like wildfire on the internet after the phone was stolen. “It was a private thing between me and my girl,” he said at the time. “That’s what people do when it comes to sex.”

I dont know...perhaps I am alone here...but I can speak for at least myself when I say that nothing gets put in my special area that doesnt belong th...(lets just leave it as nothing gets put in my special area at all). And recording it on a mobile phone? I mean...you know the quality is going to suffer...it's tacky when you dont think of the fans.

McCain camp: "thanks for all the help"

Link

Police say McCain worker admits she made up attack story.



I am not sure how the super sleuths were able to put this little mystery to bed, but I am sure one of the following may have helped:

1. Someone Carving a backwards "B" on your face...



2. Ms. Todd originally said she was robbed after she went to an ATM machine...but later told police she was accosted as she approached the machine. Police checked an found no photo of her taken in front of the ATM.



3. Ms. Todd originally said she was robbed at knifepoint. But yesterday she said she was struck from behind and lost consciousness.



4. She originally said the attacker used the knife to carve a backwards "B" on her cheek. But in the later version she said that she awoke after the attack and felt a stinging sensation on her face.



5. She did not tell police initially that she had been assaulted but later said she had been groped during the attack.


6. Scotland Yard and Encyclopedia Brown decided to lend a hand

UPDATE:

In case it wasn't humiliating enough just for the McCain camp, this girl decides to go on television in a Tennessee hoodie. Awesome. Vol's fans have to love this especially after their performance vs. bama. Please go find the Alabama video [you can find it from our label 'Tennessee' or Here] from Sept. if you have seen it.

today, i am happy. terry tate has come back into my life.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Mustachio Monday

Oh it's there alright. He knows it. He trims it. He makes one fatal flaw. He wants you to know that he can rock the mustache and the ascot at the same time. Only a few can do this. Only one has earned the right to rock the ascot and mustachio.

Robert Goulet, and only if he so chooses.

Is Bill Cosby trying to be the guy from Police Academy?

is he okay?

It's like the fainting goats...but with a person.

Classic. There was nothing to break the fall. It was like he was standing on a ladder when it happened. "see, now it is locked..." [if you miss the reference, feel free to find the ladder locking video from a few days back]

Caption Contest

Childhood memories

Apparently you can now build and raise your own virtual garbage pail kid.
Link here...fo sho

this was once popular.

From the Bench - 10/24/08

"FN2. Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy was first diagnosed in 1977. It is a variation of Munchausen Syndrome, a disorder named after Karl Fredrich von Munchausen, a German nobleman with a penchant for telling lies about his adventures in life. Melissa A. Prentice, Note, Prosecuting Mothers Who Maim and Kill: The Profile of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy Litigation in the Late 1990s, 28 Am. J.Crim. L. 373, 376 (2001); see also The Adventures of Baron von Munchausen (Columbia Pictures 1988)."

--Roska v. Peterson, 328 F.3d 1230 (10th Cir. 2003)

World Series Game one goes to the Phillies.

The World Series launched the first of a best of 16 (feels like it) game playoff on Wednesday night. The baseball season, which started 13 months ago, has been an exciting time. Several managers have been fired, the Cubs break the hearts of their fans yet again, and Yankee stadium is no more. As we salute the World Series being underway, we feel the need to remind everyone that pitchers and catchers report 4 days after Thanksgiving.

Seriously? Beauty Queens got smarts real good

U.S. Americans, such as, therefore the Iraq...

wait...that was Miss Teen South Carolina. This is Miss Teen Louisiana and she appears to be just as bright. At least Miss Teen S. Carolina had to endure the scrutiny of answering on stage in front of millions such a difficult question as:

"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Miss Teen Louisiana doesnt have that crutch...she only has her solid decision making such as, therefore doing a dine and dash and leaving her purse contaning her identification...

and weed...

which she came back for...

on a $47 tab.

yep. Between Miss Teen Louisiana and Britney's younger sister admitting that she was sure she couldn't get pregnant while breastfeeding...Louisiana teens are slowly (and by slowly...I mean never) going to take over the world.

What? I wasn't listening 10/23

Adriana Lima.

nothing much else to say. enjoy.

Meet the Midweek Mascot

There is nothing to say here. The Orange is awesome, even if Syracuse's teams aren't.

Seriously?

Things have gotten bad, I guess.
Michigan man arrested for 'receiving sexual favors from a vacuum' at a local car wash.

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.

a few things here.

6:45 a.m.? This is just a head scratcher for me.

[yawn] get up, take shower, get dressed, go by starbucks, hit the donut shop, cruise by the laundromat to masturbate on top of a dryer during the spin cycle and then find my favorite vacuum 'sheryl' at the local car wash and give get sexual favors.

this fella has got some gumption. I would have to set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. to get all those activities done in time (depending on the vacuum).

*I like how the vacuum 'gave' sexual favors. You

are a dirty, naughty vacuum. This is the

kind of vacuum that has a discrete piercing hidden somewhere

out of public view. The kind of vacuum that listens

to Portishead while it sucks.

Now, it's locked into place.

Mustachio Monday

You wily fella you. We cannot know what else is going on in that small room of yours. We cannot know what you are scheming. We only know that the mustache is truly delicious and the fact that you are trying to rock the front bangs unsuccessfully is boss (See Word Revival).

Caption Contest

From the Bench - 10/17/09

FACTS: Carrie Buck is a feeble-minded white woman who was committed to the State Colony above mentioned in due form. She is the daughter of a feeble- minded mother in the same institution, and the mother of an illegitimate feeble-minded child.

OPINION: The judgment finds the facts that have been recited and that Carrie Buck ’is the probable potential parent of socially inadequate offspring, likewise afflicted, that she may be sexually sterilized without detriment to her general health and that her welfare and that of society will be promoted by her sterilization,’ and thereupon makes the order. ... We have seen more than once that the public welfare may call upon the best citizens for their lives. It would be strange if it could not call upon those who already sap the strength of the State for these lesser sacrifices, often not felt to be such by those concerned, in order to prevent our being swamped with incompetence. It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind. The principle that sustains compulsory vaccination is broad enough to cover cutting the Fallopian tubes. Three generations of imbeciles are enough.

--Buck v. Bell, 274 U.S. 200 (1927)(J. Holmes).

What? I wasn't listening 10/16

Nicky Whelan.

that is all.

Nice prank. A white sox fan thought this up...hard to believe

Suburb outside of Chicago

"Sunday morning at the Cubs house. A battery-operated CD player with a timer went off at exactly 7:30. A bullhorn is attached to the CD player. The whole contraption is placed right outside the Cubs couple's bedroom. Blasting out of the bullhorn is a very loud and painfully slow version of "Go Cubs Go."
"Go."
"Cubs."
"Go."
Ah, but the Sox husband couldn't leave it at that. No, as the Cubs husband sought the source of the noise, he ventured out to his front yard. There he found 100 lawn signs with nothing but a drawing of a billy goat stuck in the ground. Yes, 100 signs. For some reason, that number rings a bell.
Ah, but the Sox husband couldn't leave at even just that. No, there on the lawn, supported by two poles sunk into buckets of cement was a massive, blue "L" flag.
Ah, but the Sox husband still wasn't done, and this was the best because it was the most subtle.
The address on the Cubs couple's mailbox was changed. The new number?
1908."

Every boy entering puberty should have one...

Trapper Keeper.


Do you know how many embarrassing moments were avoided due to my Trapper Keeper? The answer, many.

A strategically placed Trapper Keeper is a must for those desperate moments when vigorous attempts at thoughts of baseball arent working and you are left without a desk or trash can to rescue and protect you from the crotchular scrutiny of peers, teachers, janitors, cafeteria workers, bus drivers...I am getting off subject...anyway.

[positioned like so should do the

trick...maybe lower...and less

female-ish might help as well]

Were my friends and I the only ones that cut the clear plastic to add their own clever Trapper Keeper artwork to the front? I figured.

Meet the Midweek Mascot

Where to start?

1. First off, this photo is described as the unofficial mascot of Camp Pendleton. No kidding. Unofficial huh? Looks like the unofficial mascot is getting a ton of attention here.

What is even more troubling are the circumstances surrounding the official mascot versus the unofficial mascot.

Camp Pendleton is a marine base in southern California. The marines already do have an official mascot.

A bulldog. The bulldog can be seen here with kids. The bulldog's name is Chesty (which has its own unique history based upon Chesty Puller-the most decorated Marine in history).

so it appears that a poorly dressed pug can pass as nearly a bulldog.

okay...sure.

Is Pacino turning into an old Lesbian?

Not that we condone this sort of thing, but there is an entire blog devoted to guys who look like lesbians. If that is your thing feel free to give it a glance Here

Mustachio Monday

Maybe you just woke up. Maybe you didnt. Or maybe you think that 22 PBRs is just what Thanksgiving is all about. This fella is about 8 secounds from slurring a slur.

Yeah, okay.

Clemons University:

where students make sound desishuns.

Hookers need love/breathers too

Bakersfield, CA
"A 20-year-old man shot a prostitute in the back because she got tired after having sex for 10 minutes, according to a recently released search warrant. Ryan Graham and the victim agreed to a deal of $20 for sex in the west alley of the 200 block of T Street in Bakersfield on Sept. 17, police said. The 26-year-old woman got tired after having sex for 10 minutes in the vehicle, according to the court document. The suspect got mad and shot her in the back as she left the vehicle, the document says. "


$20?



What does this prostitute do? Does she troll for Johns in a rascal?

And 10 minutes? Who is this guy...what kind of porn star goes for 10 minutes?


Who's with me?


right?





[more awkward than expected]

What's your take?

• It's $20, you got what you paid for.
• $20 for 10 minutes? If I was paying someone $120/hour to lay pipe, I would've called a plumber...[zing!]

Not so weekly Caption Contest...

okay...it has, admittedly, been some time since the last one.

Notice the easy access to the church key and longhorn belt buckle