Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Smile, say cheese...now pouty lip kiss me like you mean it

You know what I can't seem to find anymore (especially on myspace or facebook or anywhere else for that matter)...girls giving me the pouty lip kiss in photos. It is an epidemic as wide spread as vodka redbulls. Sure you are going to tell me that they are for the greater good, that they are harmless. Frankly, I am a little tired of it. Is it me or does every girl have to give that pouty lip service?
Some pull it off and still look great. Some of the time the pouty lips are accompanied with a gangsta signs...which is just super special.

I am a fan of the demure smile I guess. When we were in school, the guys had these exact same pose in photos. We called it, 'the smug.' The smug didn't tolerate your shenanigans. Smug doesn't like you. Smug is probably going to end up kicking your ass.

**Smug, by the by, doesnt wear orange tanner and wear a lot bling with spiked hair.

Girls, dont try to throw the smug.

If you are actively blowing the kiss...it works. If you have a guy or girl attached to the lips...fine. Even if the lips are in contact with a bottle...terrif.

While it works for some (better than others admittedly):

you run the very real risk of looking borderline ridiculous or even like this:

**(we warned you)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Mustachio Monday

because you think it might be a mistake, because you think maybe the camera added a few hairs, no...the mustache is just that wonderful.

Burger King mascot is creepy.

I just dont understand how Burger King can keep this whole marketing campaign going. When I was a kid it was a real toss-up as to which place I wanted to go. McDowell's, complete with happy meal toy and playground or Burger King, complete with child toy and paper crown. It was a tough call and honestly, it was rare that my input would influence the overall decision. However, both of these franchises used to base the bulk of their marketing towards kids.

I am an adult and have a tough time shaking some of the bizarre and terrifying images of the burger king. Is it me or am I the only one that has a nightmare where I wake up and the burgr king is sitting in a rocking chair in the dark watching me sleep.

I mean...Ronald McDonald has his own batch of issues (dealing with the hamburgler and Mayor McCheese, overall androgeny)...but he/she doent keep me from sleeping.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Brazil women. HOT and oh so lethal

Da Silva, 25, was a player for the team Estacio de Sa Soccer Club before he was tortured and murdered last Wed. night.
The cause? His ex and his ex's aunt.

They hired assassins to take him out. After handcuffing, beating and torturing Da Silva, they shot him 3 times as he was attmepting to flee.

Before passing away, Da Silva was able to tell police that he had fallen victim to a trap.

They are a beautiful people, but most of them have aunts.

Theron on the Hills (that just reads weird like)

Theron: [Long pause, laughs.] So I watched a couple episodes. I was doing a world tour at the time, so I watched them in a couple languages. I realized that this f---ing show is huge. Now I'm going to ask you a question: Why?
MTV: Why what?
Theron: Why is it so big? It's about nothing! This is a free country. Freedom of speech! You can tell me right now to my face that "Reindeer Games" was a piece of sh--. That's totally fine. But "The Hills" is about nothing. I think the girls are beautiful and when they cry their mascara runs and that's real, but I don't get it!

bless you and may flights of angels speed thee to thy next interview so that perspective may spread to us all. We here at juxtaposably like the Cherlize. We also think that Reindeer Games was a piece of sh--.

Russian Racewalkers found doping...

if you thought that this was an Onion article, you are wrong...but not alone.

Link here.

Cheating at walking?

Next there will be doping on the competitive eating circuit. The only thing better is if one of the world record holders in walking felt so depressed that he went into a shame spiral and then started getting so fat that the only thing he could do competitively was eat. But he couldnt just competitively eat. He had to competitively eat...and win. Win at all costs. Back alley deals to make sure that he wore the Mustard Belt. It is the sad story that we have all seen a dozen times over. Sergei Morozov thought he could handle the pressure of walking. Sergei thought he could handle the pressure of competitive eating. But Sergei couldnt stand the pressure of losing.

Cheating at walking?? Isnt this taking things too far? Next you are going to be telling me that people are getting knifed at beer pong? Link Beer Pong Stabbing (seriously). Lets do what we can to make sure Sergei Morozov doesnt get mixed up in beer pong.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

What? I wasn't listening 9/25

I know we recently had MM, but Congrats to the Cubs for clinching a playoff spot.
This was more of an excuse than anything else for us to show Marissa Miller in good form.
We would have waited to post this photo, but there is no telling how far the cubs will actually go.

Q and Hey? with Juxtaposably--Re: Sports Jerseys

It is no secret that there is a buck to be made slinging sports jerseys to fans.
They look cute on kids and hot on certain girls. Rappers should definitely be given a pass no matter what. Hispanic, black or white, rappers get to wear whatever sport jersey they want. Note: Please though, keep it a sports team's jersey...show allegiance to something. Dont wear a Looney Tunes jersey for any reason. Even FUBU athletic gear looks contrived. When wearing sports apparel made for the athlete you love in a somewhat creepy fashion, try to keep it classy(impossible).
Because I am not overly concerned with the asian rapping demographic or their propensity for wearing sports apparell, I have declined to comment on the celestial's wearing of 'gear.'

Linda (Bakersfield): Juxtaposably, what is the cutoff age for guys to wear sports jerseys?

J: Great question Linda (who doesnt live in Bakersfield, isnt concerned with sports jerseys and doesnt really exist). However, your question should be...what is the cutoff age when men white guys should not be wearing a jersey in non-competitive situations?

First of all Linda, Brothers can wear jerseys all they want. They just look better in them. It doesnt matter what size the Brother is, he looks solid in a jersey. The fattest of fat black guys can pull it off. Even more honesty reveals that the fattest brothers look a fright more flattering in 3XL jerseys than they do in just about anything else. Fat white guys...please dont adopt this logic. You will still find a way to look awkward and...fat.

Secondly, Brothers can and do wear jerseys for any occasion. They are not confined to wearing them when the big game is on or when heading to a sporting event. They are not confined to wearing the team they like best. They roll the gear when it suits them (often) and it works (frequently...not always). He can stroll in public and wear a Tarheels Jersey with a Duke cap. Now, would he??...doesnt matter...he can and should he choose to...he can pull it off.

Clearly this jersey wearing problem is mostly confined to the white folk out there. Later we will compile a list of Brothers who should have their jersey-wearing privileges revoked due to awkwardness, with #1 on the list being Spike Lee. Mars can sport it, you cannot. But Whites look as awkward wearing sports gear as they do dancing. That's another reason why white rappers pull off the jersey...they, most probably, can dance at least a little. And perhaps there is a correlation between jersey wearing privileges and dancing. Pretty hard to picture Carlton wearing Raiders gear.

-...does anyone look like they belong in Raiders gear more than Bubb Rubb...(the question Linda was rhetorical-the answer is simply no) .

So, when is a good time for white guys to 86 the sports gear in public? Some could argue it is when you move out of your parent's house. However, this does nothing for some of the more passionate face-painters that openly admit and are proud to share the same mailbox as mom.--Jets Fans?

When can a jersey be worn with dress shoes? Seriously? If you are asking this question, please stop reading here...there has to be a syndicated episode of MadTV on somewhere that can occupy your time. I am sure this is the same guy that wonders if SlamBall jerseys are going to be in 'again?'

Does it matter if it's a football jersey as opposed to a basketball jersey, baseball, soccer (huh?), hockey? This, however, is a good question. Just because Cameron Frye wore a Red Wings jersey with chinos in Ferris Bueller's Day off doesnt mean you are given the fashion license to do so. If you are defending your wardrobe selection based on 80's movies...perhaps we have bigger issues to tackle and the jersey thing is pretty small potatos.

-Speaking of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, what happened to Sloan Peterson? She was like the 80's version of Megan Fox. I feel like we as a society were robbed for not seeing more of her. No, instead we got a pre-nose job Jennifer Grey and Molly Ringwald picking up the slack...thanks. If I wanted to think of girls that went to my high school, I would have gone to my high school.--Good. Enough. Diploma. Hooray! On a further tangent, the fact that Jennifer Grey got a nose job..."contrived and sad" or "damn, took you long enough?"

Does it matter if you wear it in the privacy of your own home? I suppose this is acceptable if you are watching the game and dont expect sophisticated company (so very likely).

If you have to wear your jersey, I guess wear it to the tailgate and to the game. Honestly, I still think it should be reserved for the hot girls and young tikes.

Meet the Midweek Mascot

Mascot of St. Louis University.
The Billiken was a charm doll created by an American art teacher and illustrator, Ms. Florence Pretz of Missourah, who is said to have seen the mysterious figure in a dream.

a dream huh. hard to believe.

Word revival-- "Boss"

I dont think I was around the first time 'boss' became main stream. And that is a real shame. I think I am going to have to start using the word a great deal more.

Like, "hey, that neck tattoo is boss." [however, this does not mean that boss should exclusively be used in conjunction with sarcasm...as it was in the above reference]

Boss has nothing to do with Boss Hogg...yet. Boss Hogg was always sporting a white three piece suit and eating fried chicken. While fried chicken and caddy with longhorns on the front is the embodiment of Hazzard County, the white three piece suit just doesnt seem necessary. The only people that wore suits in Hazzard County were the sophisticated criminals (that werent quite sophisticated enought) or the FEDS...tracking the sophisticated criminals. Either way...you wear a suit in Hazzard County, you are going to get upstaged by the Duke boys saving the day.

You can almost hear Waylon saying that last sentence.

Just a few of Waylon's gems:

"There was ol' Cooter, stickin' out like a bourbon bottle at a country revival."

"Luke's plan was workin' like a two dollar watch."

Waylon, the Dukes and '69 Dodge Chargers are all Boss.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Question of the day?

should the store hot topic even waste their time having locations outside of Jersey?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Rutgers=Classy Part 2

Friday, September 19, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Meet the Midweek Mascot

Mascots by and large engender so much pride and energy in a fan base. Whether that fan base is a high school, college or professional sporting event, the mascot is there to make each individual fan feel better about themselves...personally. We salute the heroes for all they do [nothing] and the overall chance that they are going to get in the way of whatever event you paid money to see.

Of course, there is the off-handed chance that we may also salute some corporate mascots (if we get desperate...probable).

For example:
Founded in 1977, Foodland Ontario is a consumer promotion program of the Ontario Ministry of Agriculture and Food.

HOORAY!!! That is enough to get me out of my chair and doing the ol' aresenio hall 'woof' 'woof'! Yah!!! Ministry of Agriculture and food reminding you to eat your vegetables!! CRAZY time!!!

what? i wasnt listening...

Marissa Miller checks out your backyard (yeah...just try and make that into a sexual innuendo).
just happens to be my in top 5 as well...because, again, it matters

Who Is Thomas Muthee?

Besides a pastor who prayed over the bowed head of VP candidate Sarah Palin, Muthee is also a seasoned witch hunter. Link here.

This is all to bizarre.

Exact Words

The word-play from the McCain camp reminded me of this gem:

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

McCain Thinks Americans Kick Ass

Americans are strong. Just ask John McCain. As the stock market crashed and government assumed control of AIG, McCain told a crowd that he believed the fundamentals of the U.S. economy were strong.

However, the Obama campaign, using a very strained interpretation, seized upon the comment to complain that McCain was clearly out of touch, and essentially fiddling while Rome burned.

How dare they.

McCain was then forced to clarify what everyone already knew - that "fundamentals of the economy" does not refer to inflation, energy policy, interest rates, taxes, or regulation - "fundamentals of the economy" clearly refers to the individual American worker and nothing else.

And when McCain said that our fundamentals are strong, he didn't mean "sound," he meant physically strong. It's genius. In one stroke, McCain sized up the U.S. economy, fired a warning shot to all the non-American workers (read "illegals"), and proved himself to be a superior wordsmith.

How can you not vote for this guy?

A Warning's Warning

Rarely do I encounter a warning so absolute in its conclusion, and yet so very descriptive:

Weekly caption contest...

sadly, he did not win.

"Don't Call It a Comeback" - Bruce Willis

Florida police tasered a naked man walking his dog last Friday. Link here. By itself, this isn't news, especially not from Tallahassee, but this animal lover may be on to something bigger:
"When asked what he was doing, the man told the officer, 'Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog,'"

That's right - Allah is a Bruce Willis fan and a dog lover. Who knew? Hollywood folks listen up - there's a huge market in the Middle East, and its starving for some Willis.

Megan Fox is moderately attractive....

Thanks to the GQ...

(she is also in my top 5...because it matters)

Monday, September 15, 2008

Juice is loose?

Chief Deputy District Attorney Chris Owens in O.J.'s recent armed robbery case, played a obscenity laden tape to try and paint the Juice in a bad light.
“In our presentation of the evidence we are going to spend the next few days finding which may be the true face of … Simpson, not necessarily the one he tries to put out to the world,” Owens said.
If there is anyone that has the world snowed and eating out of his hand, it would be OJ. You sly fox...

We blog the way God intended it...

We wait to blog until the lights are dim, the doors are locked, the shades are pulled down and the Air Supply is on shuffle.

We will not be making the same mistakes as Chris Cooley. Link For some reason or another, Cooley decided to take an impromptu picture of his playbook/assignment to post on his blog. Perhaps no big deal...except for the fact that he was taking the picture while nuded.
Cropping is everything...I cannot stress that enough people.

USC gives painful pink belly

USC's QB stated that one of the reasons for the Trojans' success last Saturday night had to do with the Buckeyes inability to cover their fullback and keep him from torching their secondary.

Lohan on Palin

Finally. Ever since McCain announced Palin as his running mate, I've been lost without input from Lindsey Lohan. Well wait no more. Lohan has posted her thoughts about the Palin pick on myspace, with the following disclaimer:

"[I]t's necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman."
Link here. Thank God. For a second I wondered if Lindsey was shallow and vapid and just hated Palin because Palin used her vagina for something besides a compartment to mule drugs around L.A., or a personal playground for Samantha Ronsen. No, Lindsey hates Palin because she likes Obama, similar to why she hates boys because she likes girls. And don't complain to me about middle ground, Prince predicted the whole thing back when wrote about boys v. girls in the World Series of Love.

Deskshot - 09/15/08

From an iPhone


We'd like to try something new, and depending on your response, we may continue it for awhile:

Send us a photo of your work station.

Work is an integral part of the day, and for most people their work space is like a second home. And because many of you read this blog from work, we're curious to see the world through your eyes. So show us your piles of organized chaos, or the incriminating evidence of obsessive compulsive disorder, and we will post our favorites (anonymously, of course).

Just email your photos to: juxtaposably@gmail.com

Sunday, September 14, 2008

McCain Attends Nascar Event

McCain made an appearance at the Sylvania 300 (whatever that is). According to the NY Times:

[B]y visiting racing car drivers and crews on pit row, Mr. McCain was also making a pitch, and not for the first time, to the so-called Nascar vote

But to fully appreciate the Nascar vote, one needs a point of reference. Thankfully, the Nascar vote enjoys a predilection for funneling, videotape and fulfilling stereotypes. Enjoy:

Friday, September 12, 2008

Garrard is "Going East, to toil"

From the Onion:

Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life

Because the NBA Playoffs concluded 2 weeks ago..

"star" center for the Timberwolves (apparently an NBA franchise), Jason Collins could be out for the entire upcoming NBA season due to a ruptured elbow tendon.

The cause? A golf cart accident.

Jason, I think I speak for all of us [I don't] when I say that perhaps you should put the special helmet back on and stay with your group.

Some people hate snitches, dogs and pumpkins...and?


Stay classy Jersey or better yet...just stay in Jersey, Jersey.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

More Embarrassing Than Quitting?

People always say that quitting is bad, and that quitters will go to hell. By accepting this as a truism, we subject ourselves to moments of utter embarrassment that will linger long after the lesson of sportsmanship. So I ask, is it ever okay to quit?

You see, while history may be kind to the loser, there is a special place in the colon of humanity reserved for those who lose in spectacular fashion. Need proof? Ask Bill Buckner.

Fast forward to September 10, 2008. When the ladies of Bulgaria faced off against the Slovakia in an Olympic qualifier for women's ice hockey, they probably knew they would lose, they just didn't know it would haunt them forever.

In what has been confirmed as the largest margin of victory in a sanctioned Women's International Ice Hockey game, Slovakia routed Bulgaria 82-0.

82-0. The game is only 60 minutes long.

What was Bulgaria thinking around 30-0? The Slovakia coach was thinking it was time for a little training. And I'm not guessing. He actually said that.

So I ask again, was it better that Bulgaria finished the game? Is it better that Bulgaria had its 'ghina served 82 times? Will the lesson of this game linger longer than record? This blog post? The 182 articles that google returned?

Sometimes its just better to concede.

Help Sarah!

Sarah Palin, (nicknamed "Sarah Barracuda" in high school), selected Heart's song, "Barracuda," as her theme song. And Heart is pissed.

Never mind that Heart hasn't sniffed the US Top 40 singles chart since 1993, these sister bitches are all wet blankets and middle-fingers since McCain introduced Sarah as his running mate. They've even demanded that Sarah stop using the song.


So to help out Sarah, I'm soliciting suggestions for a new song. And because I know Sarah likes it old school, I'm kicking things off with a hat tip to Sarah's creationist side:

Word Revival - "Gaffle"

From the Urban Dictionary:

GAFFLE: To rip someone off,To get someones money by deceit. To scam someone for their money by creating a ploy.To get over on a person or persons. Its an old slang term used in the early part of the 20th century.Depicted in the movie "The Sting". It was picked up again in the Bay Area in the 1980's(mainly Oakland I believe).

Personally, I consder "gaffle" similar to how people use pwned today, e.g. "You got gaffled" or simply, "pwned." It was a favorite of Ice Cube, whose proclivity for using the word made it synonomous with selling out, thus owing to its inevitable downfall.

Shot in the Ass

From today's Tulsa World:

Pedestrian shot by passing motorist

A woman was seriously injured when she was shot by a motorist Wednesday evening . . . when a man pulled up beside her in a white Ford, possibly a Taurus, made a sexual remark and shot her in the left buttock, police said. "He said, 'If you don't give me some, I'll shoot you.'"

Link here.
I'm sure that's the entire story. Unsuspecting woman, out for a brisk stroll at dusk, gets propositioned, and before she can even say no - BAM - cap in yo' ass. If I had a nickel for every time that happened . . .

My Heroes have always been...cowboys?

I am not sure if that is a whole mustache or not, but he may be a future candidate for our mustachio monday.

Joe Pa seems normal enough


What are the odds that this commercial was shot on a Razor phone in one take in Joe Pa's parent's living room?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Evil Telepromptor

Republicans have floated the idea that Obama is functionally retarded without a telepromptor (their words, not mine). And this is why Obama has declined to appear at town hall meetings with McCain.

On the other hand, watch McCain with a telepromptor and you wonder if he's functionally literate. I seriously question if he thinks before the words come out of his mouth. It's like listening to a special needs kid trying to pronounce "blessing."

So here we are in mid-September, trying to select the person who will lead the free world for the next four years, and we must choose between the idiot savant of telepromptors and a liver-spot with dementia. We should probably throw our support behind the guy who can read, but apparently that's not an attriubte anymore, so let's just laugh at McCain:

Weekly Caption Contest

Etiquette - Takeaway Tipping

You're at home, hungry and not in the mood for a sit-down dinner. So you call for takeout, wait 15 minutes, pay, grab it and go. Sounds simple enough.

But the question gets more complicated when it comes to tipping. You didn't occupy a table, trouble anyone for a drink, and if everything goes well, nobody will bus your mess. And if you tip for good service, then nothing about takeaway is deserving of a tip.

But others disagree. Strongly. They point out that restaurants are a service industry and the employees rely heavily on the generosity of customers. And while that may be true, takeaway requires no service whatsoever and considering the brevity of my stay in your establishment, I am barely your customer.

Call me an ass, (and you wouldn't be the first), but handing me food and a bill is no different than something grocery store checkers do on a daily basis, without additional recompense. So, to those who feel stiffed, I'm sorry (not really).

Does Manuel Uribe have Kafoong?

Mexican Manuel Uribe, tipping the scales at 560 kilograms (1,234 pounds) and seen here at his home in 2006, was listed as the world’s fattest man by the Guinness Book of Records.

So Manuel is going back and forth in the news for being the worlds fattest man (seems hard to believe) and the man to lose the most weight. Rumors are spreading like cholera around Monterey that he may someday be able to walk.

I like doing my hair, looking nice," he said. "To pee and make love are the best things. Ah, to go to the toilet." Ahh...Indeed Mr. Uribe.

So this picture of Manuel was flying around the internet a year or so ago and a close friend wrote that she couldn't think of a word disgusting enough to describe it.

Hence, the following email exchange (which gradually drew more people):

Alicia: This is.... I can't even think of a word disgusting enough to describe it.

Me: and yet, you gleefully decide to share such great little nuggets with me.
I truly appreciate that. Since there is, admittedly, no one word that really does work...I say we start a contest of who can make up the best word describing said "affliction" or "condition" or "body-type", and then use it in a sentence.

My first attempt will be Mulpap.
Manuel was not the man he was 20 years ago. Although a bit pudgy for his age, Manuel had now become a full-fledged Mulpap. Or [as shown here] Manuel can hardly keep his Mulpap from spilling over the side of the bed.

Alicia: At first look, I thought the side skin on his legs was his sack. So my word is sacfold. Manuel’s sacfold appears to be chafed.
Me: Pusspert.
Manuel has trouble finding clothes that conceal his infected pusspert.

[in an ironic twist, Liz finds the developing transcript troubling]

Liz: Alright, just stop it. This is gross. I have work to do and you are not only distracting me, you are grossing me out and it takes me too long to recover my ability to focus.

Me: Manuel has not been able to work either since the ever increasing size of his flubmunt prevents him from sitting in most office chairs.

Liz: I hate you.

[Cliff joins the fray]

Cliff: Kafoong.
Due to his bed ridden state, Manuel's left leg has kafoong running from his sack down to his toe, however this is not the only place the infection is located.

[I love Cliff's inclusion of 'however']

Me: smolgunt/smelky
Nurses tried bandaging the bedsores, but the smelky odor from Manuel's smolgunt prevent anyone from staying in the room for longer than 2 minutes.
[Liz put a stop to the fun at this point]

Update: In March, Mr Uribe ventured outside for the first time in five years.
A forklift lifted Mr Uribe's bed onto a truck and the 41-year-old rode through the streets of San Nicolas de los Garza, a Monterrey suburb. Mr Uribe was on his way to meet his girlfriend for a date to celebrate his weight loss and her birthday. But unfortunately a road accident and Mr Uribe's health got in the way. One of the posts holding a sun-shielding tarp over his bed hit an overpass. Mr Uribe's blood pressure then dropped so much his doctors advised him not to go on and the celebration was cancelled. :(

Update Update: Manuel has apparently lost 570lb. Way to go Manuel...or should we say Trevor Reznik--the Machinist II, electric bugaloo?

Seems fair

Aston Martin has unveiled the first £1million car

Lohan writes and spells and says things and sympathy's good

Upon Robert Altman's death, several people thought to console and inspire. Lindsay Lohan is just one of those people.

Thanks Linds...

"I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career," she began, less than certainly. "He was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years... He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do." A little lower down, she fell into improv philosophy, apparently riffing on the notion that life is too short to waste: "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) - everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on. - altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come." And she signed off, "Be adequite. Lindsay Lohan."

I couldnt have done it better myself.

terrific link here

Avoid the Indian Casino...if you can.

I was playing golf the other day (with andy and his dad at the Indian casino golf course) when it started looking fairly menacing outside. We went into the casino for a few adult beverages. Whilst there, a few “ladies in waiting” at the bar decided to “strike up some small talk” with me. Joy.

Classy lady 1 and 2 wish they were cougars. They are not cougars. They are not pumas. They are the older, uglier versions of busom bodies without the style sense.

Classy lady 1-“you here playing poker?”


Classy lady 1-“what are you up to good looking”
Classy lady 2-“yah, good looking, what are you up to”

me--“nothing. (trying hard to be polite yet ‘unresponsive’) It was raining, so we came inside till it lets up.”

classy lady 1-“oohh, he is a golfer. You a golfer?”

Thinking: [how long does it take to get 3 draws of budlight]
[is that a denim vest with a cowgirl stitched on it? Maybe...of course there is the off chance the cowgirl was ironed on…never rule that out]

[where the hell is Andy...oh...right there smiling and enjoying the show]

me--“yes, we were playing golf.”
Classy lady 1--“it’s raining men….hallelujah…it’s raining men…”

me--[now reaching to grab three draws, obviously two with one hand]

Classy lady 1--“wow, you see that? He is got big hands!”
Classy lady 2—“damn right I see that. Were you a bartender, you are damn good with them hands.”


Looking over at Andy with limitless contempt as I leave the bar. I drank much slower than usual that day.

Most annoying NCAA Div. 1 Football fans/programs.

1-Notre dame-no brainer. People hate NBC because of hating Notre dame. People are starting to hate General Electric for hating NBC for hating Notre Dame. Nothing pleases a fan base more than watching them plummet. Quick poll was released. Finding bin laden 18%, seeing Weiss eat himself into utilizing a rascal on the sideline after 10 consecutive 8-loss seasons 76% (the residual percentage wondering if Tiger Woods can submit Kimbo Slice)

2-currently USC—their fans are loving the success but are hardly football fans. The media darlings have a celebrity following and Nick Lache thinks they are the bee’s knees—enough said. Another reason I despise them...the USC song girls....the USC cheerleaders....damn you fan base...damn you.

3-Bama-they beat out OU only because they have done so much less and gripe so much more. Gripe about their conference schedule (which still finds them losing to the likes of Ark. and lower division 1 teams at home). Gripe that they have history and…history. That is all. Passionate doesn’t describe the fans…entitled with no reason is more apt. I can see them stealing the recruiting championship title from Texas and wearing it like a badge of honor to consistent top 15 finishes in the polls and consistent losses in their final games.

4-OU-fans are want to tell you that their team has 7 national championships but conveniently leave out that they could have tacked on a couple more if it weren’t for choking in the bcs games of late or the last 7 years. Their fans’ toothless disposition and propensity for wearing denim shirts adorned with Looney toons characters screams to tv producers everywhere "lets spare the alumni some grief...focus solely on the student section." They also want to pretend that their cheating days are over when they have been removed from it for nearly 2 years! They expect greatness and come one game shy of it…in the regular season. Coach is a prick that wins and knows it.

5-Ohio St.-see OU’s collapse at the end of the year in the biggest games of all. They play in the most consistently over-rated conference. Huge wins over Illinois and Iowa spearhead these fans expectations going into a shit-down-your-leg performance in their BCS games. Perhaps if the big ten would add a team and play a championship, the rest of the country would be spared. “classy” yet shocked fans. OU fans want to send chocolates and a big group hug for losing 2 title games back to back…maybe someone will forget they did the same thing.

6-a&m-what is there not to say about this fan base. If mussberger wants to coddle and give accolades than let him spend his summers molesting little leaguers and hanging with the college station crowd…there is nothing redeeming about them. Perhaps Reveille? A&M and their mascot dogs? They have a collie cemetery out front…creepy and complete with a scoreboard for only the dead and buried canines to enjoy. That seems normal enough.

I guess you thought I was joking. I am not.

I don’t know why they don’t just have the GOP convention here? All the flat tops and pseudo-volunteercorp that are not even reserves give an air of suppressed thought. Uniform kissing after touchdowns and fervent towel waving rocks and shows a committed fanbase. Enrolling as a freshman means hours of yell practice…hooray. I think I would prefer a handjob on the rocks in El Paso[A bless her classy heart moment].

7-Tenn.-these toothless wonders have OU and Ark. beat by a long shot when it comes to wearing jorts and mandles. Consistently 2nd tier team in the best conference that God every created (just ask 'em--this leaves you the choice of asking God or the fan base...an equally difficult proposition as communication with either isnt as straightforward as once thought). Some years they are Auburn…Some years they are Ark…but it never matters. They have to have 6 team planes go down to have a legit shot at sliding into the national championship picture…every year. Havent won in forever and think this year is the year even when 10 of the other 5 teams in their division are in the top 3 (I know…it is their math). They also think touting their stadium is half the battle (see Michigan…it isn’t). And you know it sucks when the fan base for the football team switches suddenly to basketball. Fulmer guides this steady ship to a consistent 2-3 loss season everyyear and the fans know it. They accept it. They expect to be awarded a national championship for it. These fans should change themes from Rocky Top to the entire Annie cataloge. “the sun will come out”...when you learn to beat Florida, Georgia and [gasp!!!] South Carolina. Impossible? I know. They also have a dog mascot...sweet.

8-Michigan-peacoats and egos. These guys haven’t sniffed a real game with real implications since the guy before the guy before the guy was coach. Wisconsin has to be loving this era of Michigan football. These guys are in a rebuilding time…so says everyone in the big house. Okay. And the last 10 years? Whatever happened to the defensive llinebacking crew of Sword, Irons, and Steele? How does one ever score a point against a team with these names on the jerseys? It shouldn’t happen. But it does…a lot…by division 2 teams…in home openers…when ranked in the top 5. Don’t feel bad Michigan, there is one group of fans forever indebted and loyal…Oklahoma. Nobody is talking about Boise St. thanks to you guys last year. If there is one thing to look forward to this year it is the pillow fight with Notre Dame coming up. “No Mr. Bookie…I am taking my wares and wagerings elsewhere.”

9-Texas-“we out recruit everyone…every year…since forever. Texas has the most fertile group of talent anywhere” Like anywhere that isn’t florida. Texas fans win the recruiting championship nearly every year and have only just recently won their first natl championship since polio was a legit threat to the world. Thanks for the last championship should rest squarely on the shoulders of mack brown…just ask the texas faithful. It has nothing to do with Vince Young and…whoever else was on the field… This fan base’s intolerable whining about how they are the best and brightest is contrived and forced. They have the best recruits and do nothing but lose to Oklahoma. If we could give a big ole wink and good try punch on the arm, it would be to the texas fans. They have assholes and excuses and they don’t resemble each other. Is every ex-UT football star subject to mental illness?

Above picture is my fault...we dont know that Vince was crazy in the summer of '08...he was just hanging out shirtless with a bunch of other shirtless fellas...not that there is anything wrong with that.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Word Revival - "Necking"

Why it fell out of favor, I'll never know, but everyone loves necking. From Wikipedia:
"Making out, a term for heavy kissing, and particularly kissing of the neck"

Link here.* Later replaced by "heavy petting," necking was the frustrated foreplay of our parents' parents.

This word should not gather moss in the dirty dungeon of our diction. The mental imagery alone creeps me out (picture passing an orange to another person using your neck, but more aggressive, with pronounced undulation). So, in honor of pre-pill pubescent pleasure, we honor necking, in both word and deed.

*According to wikipedia, people are not the only animals who "neck." Giraffes neck too:
The longer the neck, and the heavier the head at the end of the neck, the greater the force a giraffe is able to deliver in a blow. It has also been observed that males that are successful in necking have greater access to estrous females, so the length of the neck may be a product of sexual selection.

Of course, its not the length of the neck, but how you use it.