Birthdays Give Some An Overinflated Sense of Entitlement

If you're an uncomfortably large girl, and its your birthday, don't send your equally large friend to canvas the bar for guys willing to engage you in a drunk hookup. At the very least try and lure your victims with proper bait - a pretty face, slutty dress, or cleavage. The possibility of switching you out at the last minute is enough to keep some considering the proposal.

On a related note, if you're a large girl with even a grade one panniculus, the reason guys are avoiding you has little to do with the alcohol-induced perception that you intimidate us. (Although depending on the weight differential, fear may be a legitimate concern). If we wanted to speak with you, we would. But we don't, and we won't - at least until the other (see better) options (1) shoot us down, (2) leave with someone else, or (3) collapse on the floor in a heap of heels, booze and makeup. Even then, you will be hard pressed to fare well in a race with porn and indifference.

Finally, be selective in your targets. Aim high all you like, but this isn't the Air Force - there's a good chance the good-looking guy in the corner isn't waiting for an invitation. Also, don't bother propositioning the guy drinking water (unless his friends are the ones insisting he drinks it). Water guy = sober guy, and the chances of duping him are slim to none, and slim just left. Even if he wanted, he can't help you because sobriety has robbed from of sweet oblivion. He would own that experience to relive again, and again . . .

Know your audience, or just stay home.

/rant.