From the Bench - 11/28/08

ISSUE: "Does the one specific crime definitely defined and limited by Section 7567 C.G.L. -- 1927; 3534 C.S. (1906) 5424 R.G.S. -- 1920; c. 1637, Sub. c. 8, Acts 1868, Sec. 17, comprehend or include the action of a 76 year old, aged Indian War Veteran, feeble physically and mentally, in, after having met the two girls of 11 and 13 years of age who solicited him, went to his residence and there they both get on the bed, pull up their dresses and drop down their panties, when he in turn on his back in the same bed allowed them to diddle with his rag-like penis, unerectable, lifeless and useless except to connect the bladder with the outside world for more than six years since the death of his wife, utterly incapable of either penetration or emission, and wad it like a rag into their mouths, and then, in his feeble and aged condition impelled by the irresistable impulse, in turn he would kiss and put his tongue in their little, though potentially influential and powerful, vaginas?"

--Lason v. State, 12 So.2d 305 (Fla. 1943).

Great headline

I could see myself taking up tennis...

speechless.

Aww....that is just adorable. And sad. Mostly sad.

LINK
"Jessica asked the sales associate helping her where the Adidas sweat pants were," a witness says.

No big deal, right? Except Jessica was shopping in Niketown. The associate thought she was joking, which makes the mistake a lot more painful. Not the end of the world and give us an excuse to put up a pic.

[Yes we realize how old the pic is and we still don't care]

Caption Contest

Free Byrd! - 11/27

Robert Byrd is proof positive that West Virgina is a proving ground for the worst America has to offer. Here's a clip of the Senior Senator from West Virgina (and former Ex-Klansman), soaking in some Harry Reid. Get excited people, its Mr . . . Robert . . . Byrd, everyone . . . :



Ahhh, no doubt dreaming of days gone by whilst whistling racial slurs to little Dixie.

Your welcome distraction 11/27

Not sure what it is with Nicky Whelan and the ballet scenario, but we are not complaining.

what could possibly go wrong?

PHYALL!!!

we finally have our chance to say Phyall, and mean it. Juxtaposably reserves the right to point and say 'Phyall" to anyone about anything. Phyall main sound like a Brit trying to say Fail...but it extends beyond that. It extends to those that are successful in lopping off their own heads with chainsaws and unsuccessful at everything else.

But seriously. There was planning in this. Planning to the extent that we are fortunate enough to see 2 views. I give the odds at him jumping at an angle and through the hoop at 5%. The odds of him completing said task without injury, 2%.

Elementary School kids likes em extra sloppy...

FOX news

An elementary school cafeteria worker and playground monitor, who had an extensive career in the adult entertainment industry, is becoming a New Jersey school district's legal nightmare.
Some parents in Vineland, N.J., as well as the board of education president, want Louisa C. Tuck fired, but district officials were advised by their lawyers and those from the New Jersey School Board Association they have no legal grounds to terminate the 32-year-old from her $5,772-a-year part-time job as an aide in the lunchroom and playground, The Daily Journal reported.
"We have no real legal stance or legal right to do anything for two reasons — one, it's not illegal, and two, it's not on school time," Superintendent Charles Ottinger told the newspaper.
Tuck, who went by the name of Crystal Gunns when she starred in adult movies, performances and photos, told the newspaper it's been five years since she was involved in the adult entertainment industry. She now also works with children at the local YMCA.

Ms. Gunns [sorry] goes on to defend herself and cast a disparaging light on the overall weakening moral compass found in society as a whole...well...maybe she wasn't that specific. Or articulate.

"Our president-elect has admitted to doing crack, and he's our president. Does that make him a bad person?" Tuck said.

Well put, Ms. Gunns. Game. Set. Match.

Madonna is creepy, old, manipulative and old

NY Post
Not that we are even close to the first to bring this story, but it gives us an excuse to discuss skeletor and her uncompromising grip on the Yankee's A-Rod. Madonna has apparently charmed strong-armed Alex into leaving a family thanksgiving with his kids so that he can come snuggle up to her.

A-rod, being the sensitive smoothy that he is, had his lawyer call his ex-wife Cynthia to get her to sign the divorce papers.

--"oh...be nice"

[even skeletor has limits]

Pfff. She is fine.

Amy appears to be collecting hospital wristbands like my friends collected lift tickets on their ski jackets in the 80's. Oh...you still do? Well now this is just awkward between us.

For you gentleman suitors out there, she is single.

Is that a ball coming my way? Yes...yes it is. I should probably move. Should I take my hat off f...

Pirates and Indians...sadly no Peter Pan.

Link to Article
Two 20-year-old pitchers, neither of whom had picked up a baseball until earlier this year, signed free-agent contracts Monday with the Pirates. They are believed to be the first athletes from India to sign professional baseball contracts outside their country.
Singh and Patel came to the United States six months ago after being the top finishers in an Indian reality TV show called the “Million Dollar Arm” that drew about 30,000 contestants. The show sought to find athletes who could throw strikes at 85 miles per hour or faster.
While neither pitcher threw hard enough to earn the $1 million prize, Singh made $100,000 from the contest and Patel made $2,500, plus his trip to the United States.

Alright, it is admittedly not as interesting as our Somali sea-faring stories, but now we have Indians (dot) and Pirates. No B.S.

“Think of them as two Dominican kids,” House told the scouts. “They’re very raw. But I think this has a huge upside.”
When they first came to the United States and began playing catch, the pitchers were mystified by the concept of gloves and had to [be] taught not to try to catch the ball with their bare hands.

No, seriously, this sounds like an awesome idea. Just like 2 Dominican kids? Guessing that means that Rinku is 33 and Dinesh is 41. See, they even sound Dominican.

The signings represent a shift in policy for the Pirates, who have mostly ignored nontraditional markets such as Asia for players.

And here we thought the Pirates just ignored the traditional and nontraditional markets containing talented players altogether.



I am rooting for a trade to Cleveland. "Okay guys, here are you uniforms...any questions?"

Thanksgiving warning.

Thanksgiving exists for us to feel compelled to see family that we ordinarily don't care enough to seek out the rest of the year. So what happens when this hodge-podge of different family personalities combine around a table for food and fellowship? Pain. We prepare you for what you already know is coming.

--A conversation where someone (your mom) works extremely hard to repair someone else's damage. This usually involves a conclusion at the end of her statement that screams of desperate validation. Example: "Steven is an absolute whiz on the computer. He comes over and helps Dad and I with getting our pictures off our camera and into folders on the computer. He was recently made his floor's fire warden at the office and has a bunch of really great friends, doesn't he honey?"

Your Dad feels awkward verbally coming to your defense after this sad plea by your mom. Instead of putting it out there, he tries not to roll his eyes and just slowly nods his contrived approval.

--The person that is hiding what we have all been sure of for the last 8 years.
Example: Your mom comes over to let you know that your Aunt Joyce is coming with 'her friend.' Your mom leans closer to you and gives you the simultaneous 'her friend' in rabbit ear quotations along with a knowing smile. Few of us care anymore what Aunt Joyce is doing or how she is doing it, but it is disturbing when a 73 year old Joyce brings a 76 year old Barbara. Trying to reel in your imagination of those two is fleeting and is playing havoc with your everyone's appetite.


--The person that was hiding what we thought we were sure of, but now has thrown us an incredible curve.
Example: It was a toss up as to whether Peter was going to come to Thanksgiving. Sometimes he would be vacationing with a few friends in Key West or he would stay home and rest up from his busy night at the latest Bette Midler event. Everyone had pretty much understood what Peter's preferences were until he brings home the nerdy-hot coed Lisa from his photography workshop. A real head-scratcher, it is unknown what is really going on between Peter and his new gal pal. The only sure thing in this scenario is that she is going to be ogled by a recently divorced Uncle Rick and/or drunk Grandpa Milton.


--Those that are already married are going to work hard to get you to share in their communal misery. Those that already have kids are going to work hard to see that all the freedom and fun in your life is quickly sucked away. They tell you how having kids has so enriched their lives and then spend the next 7.4 hours chasing the kids and yelling at their husbands because of the kids. Just once, I would love to hear, "yeah, they are alright. Truthfully they get on every one of my damn nerves...but they are a great tax benefit."




--Fantasy Sports is going to keep a few men from having to endure more painful silences than typical. Sadly, the rest of the table would prefer they suffer in silence.
New boyfriend Tim to Jessica's brother: "Jacob, how are you in your fantasy league."
Jacob: "which one, I am in 3 this year."
Tim: "oh yeah, I was going to do 3, but one of the two I am in is a keeper."
Jacob: "we were thinking of doing that but the guys are a little gun shy...I am in first in all of 3 them."
Tim: "yeah, me too. T.O. is having a phenom year. I cannot believe the trades people are trying to give me for him."
Jacob: "I locked down Norwood for Kevin Smith just before he was injured for the season...other dude was totally pissed."
[awkward silence]
Peter awkwardly chimes in with: "I hear the Cubs are playing the Cowboys later on the sports channel."
Grandpa Milton quietly mutters under his breath: "freaking queer."
Mom: "Steven loves football. He watches football and lots of sports with his friends all the time."


--Even more awkward is that everyone knows that Jessica's boyfriend Tim isn't going to be a repeat performance. Everyone but Jessica. She met him 3 weeks ago. They both 'totally' ordered the same Latte and struck up a riveting conversation about Britney Spears and Posh Spice. The direction of their ever-blossoming relationship seems so positive until they realize they have nothing in common. Unfortunately, this event takes place during dinner. In front of everyone. To everyone's quiet bemusement.
Mom: "So Tim, what do you do?"
Tim: "I work at a local food processing plant."
Jessica: "Dont sell yourself short. Mom, Tim is an electrical engineer."
Mom: "Well...that IS impressive. Steven thought of going into engineering but...."
Tim: "I should probably clarify here. I am not an electrical engineer...I clean the food processing machines and de-clog them every week."
[awkward silence]
Uncle Rick senses weakness and moves in: "So Tim, where do you live?"
Jessica: "Tim is the kindest person. He has a nice little brownstone in the city. His mom has a bad hip and so she lives downstairs so he can keep an eye on her. He is very thoughtful."
Tim knows better than to try and save this one. One point Uncle Rick.

Tim decides if he is going down in flames, he isn't going alone: "So, Aunt Joyce is it? Where did you and Barbara meet."
Mom nearly spits out her cranberry sauce. One point newcomer Tim.

The kids table will have one inhabitant that doesn't belong but cannot fit anywhere else due to the numbers. Sad. Really sad.

So...as you enter the home or welcome others into yours, the painfully slow countdown starts to when your life can return to normal.

Getting Started - 11/26/08

• Bob Gates will remain Defense Secretary under Obama, who continues the march towards Change only in the most literal sense of the word, see insatiable appetite for not appointing any new blood but instead recycling former Clinton staffers, Hillary herself, and now Bob Gates. (US News).

• The Pirates have drawn the ire of the Indians (dot) who went ahead and sank a hijacked vessel carrying 15 innocent fisherman. So much for civil disobedience. Let that be a lesson to ye sea faring ninnies who get captured. Arrrgh!!! (VOA News).

• Britney Spears, 26, feels "old and boring," this according to an interview with Rolling Stone. Of course Britney is brilliant and probably figured that after having a few kids, nothing in her life would ever change. I mean, can't you just leave the kids at the fire station or one of those "Safe Kids" spots whenever you get tired of them? (Reuters).

• Argentina unveiled some economic plan involving the infusion of $21B into the economy, but that's just an excuse to post links and photos of President Cristina Kirchner. (Brietbart)

Meet the Midweek Mascot?

A salute to all the mascots that try.

and fail.

Tattoo Toosday - 11/25

I have nothing against Tay Zonday as a person (only because we haven't met), but his only contribution to society - to date - is the Internet wunderhit "Chocolate Rain." And I use "wunderhit" loosely.

Now I'll grant that Tay's song has over 30 million page views, but when does an Internet meme warrant a tattoo? Why not tattoo "Rick Roll" across your forehead? At least Rick will never give you up or let you down.

Tiger and Buick split...

Although not as firey as the spat between Lohan and her boytoy Sam, Buick and Tiger have decided to go their separate ways.

A relationship that has weathered it's fair share of problems, the news took everyone by surprise.

It was an amicable split, both sides have said.

"While it hurts, you know that there is something else out there and that everything happens for a reason," Tiger said as he worked to keep his composure. "It was a relationship with it's ups and downs, but we had been together for such a long time. So many of my friends could never understand how I could be with Buick...how I could stick myself out there. It felt as though I was always having to sell Buick to people, always having to justify why Buick was next to me. To say that it was hard to make people understand our relationship would be an understatement."

Buick has been reluctant to speak out about the split, but the effects have been clearly evident to even the most casual purveyor of world news. "Buick has had a relationship with [Tiger] for such a long time, sometimes it is hard for Buick to know where this whole crazy ride started," spokesperson for Buick recounted. "It is true that many have pointed the finger at Buick and always thought that their relationship was one that was all about the money. Nothing could be further from the truth."

Although Buick's people appear to be trying to say all the right things, it is clear that money had a lot to do with the relationship troubles. "We are all thinking that Buick just needs a little time to step back from the situation and figure out what the next move is. These kinds of things are never easy, for anyone."

Caption contest

I guess the relatively low turnout on the caption contest is due in large part to the lack of prizes (as though knowing you won isn't prize enough) or it could be due to reader traffic. I am still going to go with the fact that our readers are just shy...painfully, painfully shy.

Getting Started - 11/25/08

• A UK woman received a suspended sentence after she "accidently" flushed her newborn down the toilet. She thought it was diarrhea until she "saw a foot in the toliet." And then she did what any normal person would do - she stuffed the "evidence" in her trunk. (Breitbart).

• Obie Gene Felton of Falls Church, VA, come on down! You just won the lame duck pardon and commutation lottery! Feel free to to give a big middle finger to all the people who put you away for . . . what was it again . . . the unauthorized acquisition of food stamps? (WTF Obie? You might get one pardon in a lifetime and you blew it on food stamps?). (myway).
  
  
• Arrrgh!!! The Somali Pirates continue squatting on their booty of oil, but concerns about the crew prompted Pirate "Daybad" to announce that everyone is fine - except for the guy playing peg boy. And can somebody please get these pirates some real names, like Sinbad or Blackbeard. Daybad is too close to Daybed, or transposed - Badday, which sounds like Bidet (and that's just embarrassing - even for a pirate). (Telegraph).
  

• The insufferable Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were married in Cabo, and my dog just farted a bubble, and I care more about the bubble coming out of my dog, and not because I love my dog (I do), but because I hope that bubble finds the happy couple, envelops and suffocates them. (Boston Herald).
  

• Barry Bonds had three counts dismissed from his indictment for making false statements under oath, but he still faces another 12. As a baseball fan, I have only two words for Bonds - Fuck and You. I hope you wake up living next to Spencer and Heidi. (NY Times).
  

The flying obese

LINK to story about rogue Canadian Court decision...by rogue, we mean Supreme Court of Canada

[at left: Teddy just woke up one day and realized, holy shit...i am huge!]

OTTAWA-Obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled on Thursday.
The high court declined to hear an appeal by Canadian airlines of a decision by the Canadian Transportation Agency that people who are "functionally disabled by obesity" deserve to have two seats for one fare.
The airlines had lost an appeal at the Federal Court of Appeal in May and had sought to launch a fresh appeal at the Supreme Court. The court's decision not to hear a new appeal means the one-person-one-fare policy stands.
The appeal had been launched by Air Canada, Air Canada Jazz and WestJet.

Air Canada Jazz?
"Please make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all tray tables are in their full, upright and locked position as we are aboot to take off on a wild, jazzy adventure with Mr. Duke Ellington"

2 seats?

2?

I can appreciate the Court's courtesy in making sure that a larger than average Madge from OshKosh doesn't spill over onto my seat, me and more of me, but maybe we are looking at this thing the wrong way.

Perhaps instead we need to employ a carney view of the world. You want to ride this ride...you need to step up and fit the ride's minimum requirements.

This means having a scale at the airport. A scale accompanied by a sign that reads, "you must be under this weight to fly." Sure, it is shameful. Sure, it is mean. Shaming and meaning may be just what the obese need (besides substantial exercise).

I don't see the obese up in arms (could be blood pressure issues) about not getting to go on Space Mountain?

Keep perspective big people. And keep moving, it's good for you.

Quick aside: it is a shame that midgets aren't as prevalent as the obese...so many of our problems could be so easily solved.

Happy Birthday Evolution!!!

On this date 149 years ago, Charles Dawin, (the devil himself), first published his blasphemous treatise, The Origin of Species.

In it, The Devil Darwin spelled out his THEORY of evolution as an alternative to the God-given truth that is creationism.

At 149 years old, Origin is still in its infancy and subject to critique. Compare that with the unimpeachable explanation of man's existence found in the Bible. People have examined the Bible for thousands of years, and we still have no evidence that God did not literally create the universe approximately 6,000 years ago in seven twenty-four hour cycles.

And don't give me "stories" about dinosaurs. Everyone knows that God put the fossils there to test our faith.

But let's not turn this day into an ugly Tesla-Edison debate over who-got-what-right-first. Instead, let's take this moment to celebrate choice in our explanation, and thank Darwin for misleading millions down the road to hell.

Getting Started - 11/24/08

• Every single teenage girl in America watched the new movie Twilight this weekend, which probably breaks some record set by Titanic for best open by an unrealistic love story. (Link here).

• Had your pirate fill for the day? Me neither. Arrrgh!!! Islamist Shehab militants in Somalia are throwing their headdress into the ring by positioning fighters to attack the pirates raiding ships off the coast of Africa. (FOX News). I can't remember the last Pirate/Islamist sea battle, but here's hoping other countries don't do anything stupid, like getting involved and ruining a perfectly good YouTube moment.

• Everyone hates the Big Three automakers. Especially Congress, who just rejected a plan to bailout the auto industry, but appears ready to bailout Citigroup, on the heels of bailing out AIG. Unfortunately for the Big Three, Americans are visual people, and we can't drive Citigroup's shitty business decisions to work. (NY Times).

• Democrats are considering a $700B stimulus package over the next two years so Americans can overextend themselves on credit to the point of no return. Welcome your new Chinese overlords. (WaPo).

• That sigh you hear across America? Jack Bauer is back in the latest installment of the show "24." After a nearly two year hiatus, Sunday marked the shows return to the small screen with a two-hour bridge to the upcoming season. I assume "bridge" is industry-speak for - "its been so long, here's your refresher episode." The seventh season begin in earnest on January 11, 2009. (Buddy TV).

• The BCS is a mess once again. After OU defeated Texas Tech, the Big 12 South is poised to to use the BCS rankings as the tie-breaker to determine it's representative in the conference championship game. Let the lobbying begin . . . (The Sporting News).

Mustachio Monday

Watch your ass. If Chuck's mustache doesnt kick your ass first, then there isn't anything to keep his legs from doing it . . . surely not the action jeans. They "[w]ont bind [his] legs."

little known facts:

• Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The real question remains though...who wins between Chuck Norris and Bill Brasky?

Clearly this should hinge on whether Brasky has a mustache or not.

Adu kicks ball into goal real fast and bendy

he keeps knocking down penalty kicks like this, the spice girls are going to lose another member.

Kid makes Children of the Corn look Amishy

[left is not an actual picture...we surmise it's close though]

London
12 year old arrested 40 times in one year.

He was given just eight months detention after his lawyer argued that he should be spared youth custody, as he would be the youngest inside and might try to be like the older thugs.
It was revealed during the hearing that when the young boy was last arrested, he was so drunk he needed hospital treatment.
The lad admitted to robbery, three burglaries, assault, three thefts and criminal damage charges, and asked for 16 other offences to be considered.

You thinking what I am thinking?

BOOT CAMP!!!

Your bruise my sense of security...well, I bruise your testicles and perhaps your face

We here at Juxtaposably (glad I spelled that right) have an affinity for mascots. Another clip we couldn't pass up.

Clutch the bear, the Houston Rockets mascot, likes to try and pull one over on the crowd. Feel free to skip to about the 30 second mark and watch a few clips of people exacting revenge. By 'people,' I mean kids and by 'revenge,' I mean kicking Clutch in the gish gish...not nearly hard enough.

From the Bench - 11/21/08

FN7.: "Moore advances the creative, yet hopeless contention that he could not have agreed to participate in an enterprise with other pimps because he was not considered a real pimp by other pimps and their prostitutes because he did not follow the rules of the game. In support of this assertion, Moore cites testimony from Hollywood that Moore was a mere ’shoe man’ and a ticket scalping ’hustler,’ disrespected in the neighborhood for the way he conducted his affairs.

The record negates Moore’s claims. While the other denizens of Metropolitan Avenue may have looked down upon Moore for being a ’guerilla pimp,’ he was a pimp nonetheless. At trial, Hollywood, Worm, Scooby, and KK referred to Moore as a pimp. Contrary to Moore’s assertions, the record overwhelmingly shows that he was a pimp who knowingly worked in concert with other pimps."

--U.S. v. Pipkins, 378 F.3d 1281 (11th Cir. 2004).

Oh my...know your surroundings

This guy is just absolutely shocked that she is giving this interview in full view of 'marcellas wallace type activities' going on in the background. Seriously though, who knew that Turkey was a country?

Getting Started - 11/21/08

• The stock market tanked again yesterday as Congress balked at bailing out the auto industry. Just remember - the market can't fall below zero (can it?) (NY Times).

• A federal judge ordered the release of five Algerians held at Gitmo for the last seven years saying their detention was illegal. As part of their release, the men requested bus fare to Crawford, TX. Why anybody would go to Crawford is a mystery, the only thing there is . . . 000h . . . right . . . (NY Times).

• In an unrelated (?) story, Attorney General Michael Muskasey, 67, collapsed during a speech last night and lost consciousness. Reports that 72 vestal virgins were dancing about his body could not be confirmed. (NY Times).

• From the News of the Weird - some cat in Australia gave birth to a kitten with two faces. Creepy photo courtsey of UK Times:

A house is a home...scattered, smothered and covered waffle house style

[notice the chainsaw...let's hope Barton doesn't get distraught and pull a Phayll...see below]

Kentucky


Frances Barton's single-wide, the one she had fully paid $5,000 for and was hoping to move to a little piece of land she was buying on a $250-a-month land contract, is now literally in pieces on Jim Gaunce's front lawn.


On Friday, Barton hired a guy to put her house on a trailer and move it up U.S. 68 in Nicholas County. When the trailer broke down and the house blocked the highway for hours on end, the sheriff got involved.


Barton, a grandma at 35 with gold streaks in red hair, tearfully contends that Nicholas County Sheriff Dick Garrett "showed no respect for my home" when he ultimately ordered two tractors to ram the thing and set it on its side.
On the other hand, Garrett, a wiry chain-smoker who ran for re-election with the slogan of "More 'Dick' in 2006," maintains that anybody who thinks it's a fine plan to pay somebody $200 to move their 25-year-old home, all their belongings, and a passel of pets with a farm tractor can't exactly complain when things go wrong.


"I know I wouldn't pay somebody $200 to move my house and everything in it," said Garrett, noting that the group didn't have a required permit or escort. Basically, he said, he could have arrested the lot of them: Barton, her brood and the hauler. The charge, he said: "being ignorant."

Of course, Officer Garrett said that he was sorry for what happened...truly sorry. However, when answering the question of whether he would have done anything different, he followed up his "I really am [sorry]," with "I'd knocked it down sooner." More Dick huh.

There are so many nuggets I haven't included in this story...you may have to just follow the link.

Caption Contest

The UK Has Talent

The Mail Online is reporting that a man decapitated himself with a chainsaw after losing an eviction battle to remain in an apartment complex scheduled for demolition. (Link here).

Laugh all you want (the "lost his head" jokes are not even clever), but this guy had some serious skills. According to the story, David Phayll rigged a chainsaw using a broom handle, tape and a timer. At the *ding*, David was done. The Black & Decker made quick work of Mr. Phayall, but continued to run for another 15 minutes.

Hey Black & Decker - I smell an awesome Super Bowl commercial.

Follow up...Somali "pirates" and mace bandits

Times

Open sea pirates? pfff.

I know someone who wouldn't take shit off any pirates. [pictured left]

Further, perhaps these pirates are using some firepower to overtake these vessels...but have you seen the size of some of these vessels? They aren't small. [front view, perhaps stretched a bit more than necessary]

To me...getting hijacked in the above ship is like getting pulled over in your car by a cop standing on the sidewalk. Or getting held up by a midget wielding a supersoaker. That is your own fault.

On a totally separate note, I saw a headline "mace-wielding robber." Unable to contain my excitement, I clicked on the article from the Greeley Tribune (seriously?)...only to find colossal disappointment:

1) don't ever use the term 'wielding' if it isn't going to be something pretty cool (like a supersoaker);

2) you can't use the term 'wielding' with the word 'mace' and not have readers expect medieval carnage or hilarity to ensue;

3) just write "pepper spray" you a-holes.

The fact that I was duped by the Greeley Tribune hurts. But it hurts so much more that I never found out about the robber my brain concocted. The robber that walked brazenly into a bank with a huge spiked ball on the end of a chain and went postal on all kinds of bank equipment that I have never even heard of. The robber that became my hero. Damn you Greeley. Damn you.

Getting Started - 11/20/08

• Iran claims that it has enough nuclear fuel to power one atom bomb. And I bet you're stumped on its target . . . Israel, your table is ready. (Herald Tribune).
  
  
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie agree on divorce settlement. Ritchie gets nothing but his kids, the money he earned during the marriage, and escape from the dessicated corpse that is Madonna. And if by nothing, you mean everything, then yes, he got nothing. (Times Online).
  
  
• Somali pirates continue raiding vessels off the coast of East Africa. (Times Online). According to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, this marks an end to global warming.(Church of the FSM).

• Jarek Molski is disabled, but he still managed to file more than 400 lawsuits under the ADA before a judge bared him from filing any future litigation. The Supreme Court agreed, and let stand a lower court ruling capping the number of lawsuits that disabled people can file. Another victory for the able-bodied. (LA Times).
  
  
• Hooray!!! 102 years after Upton Sinclair's novel, "The Jungle" exposed corruption in the meatpacking industry, China has announced new food safety rules. (NY Times). Full blown capitolism is just around the bend.

"Man" loses penis and a testicle...still has other testicle...still whines about it.

[just try and read that without singing it...I have tried it like 6 times and failed miserably...damn acapella groups]

Seattle Times

A Mason County man who lost his penis and a testicle after he contracted a flesh-eating bacteria while in prison has won a $300,000 settlement from the state Department of Corrections.
Charlie Manning, 61, said Monday that he agreed to the settlement with the Department of Corrections (DOC) last month because he wanted the ordeal to be over.

Over huh. Something tells me his situation is a tad more lingering.

Your welcome distraction 11/20

Megan Fox...In the study...With the candlestick looks that could kill.

Yes Megan is back already, quit complaining.

Meet the Midweek Mascot

Henry the Puffy Taco
And Ballapeno collaborate in this terrific dance off. Today it is a two for one. The stumble-footed mascot of Henry's Puffy Taco Restaurant has been appearing at San Antonio minor league baseball games for 16 years now. Aside from hamming it up with his partner "Ballapeño" between innings at the AA Missions' games, Henry's main role is to race around the bases with a youngster chosen from the crowd. --[Hold it right there Henry]

The Texas legislature, which knows a good taco when it sees one, honored Henry in 2003 with House Resolution 490 recognizing him as, "truly entertaining, hopelessly endearing and curiously appetizing." He's also been named the "Best Mascot in the Minor Leagues" by Newsweek Magazine.

Fore!

Still wondering how to get rid of those wrinkles? Well today is your lucky day, the cosmetic world is on fire with a new product called "The Foreskin from Circumcised Babies!" (The marketing team is still developing a name - but they're going with it for now). Link here.

Every year millions of pounds of baby foreskin is simply discarded as waste. This perfectly good skin is simply thrown out for the gulls who circle the landfills. And why should they get the good stuff? Well, not anymore.

Thanks to an overzealous green movement hell bent on reducing, reusing and recycling everything - without question - we can now inject ourselves to youth and beauty with the help of little baby boys worldwide.

What's that you say? You were never circumcised? Well huzzah! I spy a pot of gold between your legs. Grab some scissors and login to eBay cause its time to make the doughnuts.

Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

null - Watch more free videos

Lots of things going on here...

Was this taken at some funeral home?

[thanks to barstoolsports.com]

Tattoo Toosday - 11/18

There are so many things to consider when getting a tattoo: Committment, Location, Design, Artist . . . but sometimes you gotta go with impulse, and nothing says impulse like a tattoo of Britney Spears with a shaved head . . . On your body . . . Forever.

But even assuming that you walk the impulsive path and ink Britney on your arm, consider using a design with a facial expersion that doesn't say . . . Grrrr?

Yah - Oops!

Jerry Yang is stepping down. Link here.

In addition to founding Yahoo!, Yang successfully ran the Internet giant into the ground while simultaneously spurning every attempt to wrest the web portal from certain failure.

But don't think you've seen the last of Yang. Wall Street has an insatiable appetite for failed founders of fledgling corporations - and so does China. Expect Yang to download the Internet onto his super huge flash drive and swim for his brothers abroad.

Once firmly entrenched within the Chinese culture, Yang will have his revenge and use the resources of 1.3 billion people to buy Microsoft thereby becoming our new E-Overlord.

Mascot Alert...

Not time for the midweek mascot, but a Mascot alert is needed.

LINK

Jaxson de Ville, the Jacksonville Jaguars mascot, got a little too close to the pyrotechnics as the team charged out of the locker room, causing his stuffed ears to go up in flames. He apparently made it off the field without further incident.

[thanks to SbB for drawing the wonderful comparison to the Anaheim Ducks mascot, Wild Wing, and his colossal failure involving fire]



This is so close to an "Old School" parody that it is borderline contrived.

Pujols Wins Second MVP

The Baseball Writers' Association of America gave Albert his Second MVP trophy today. (Link here).

While we're on the topic, who are the Baseball Writers' Association of America anyway? Are they like the Freemasons - handshakes, secret codes and loads of booty stolen throughout the centuries and buried at Ebbett's Field? And who vested them with the power to award the MVP? Why couldn't a bunch of guys from Monkeys Eyebrow, KY get together and bestow the honor on Ryan Howard?

But I digress. Setting aside the coven of crusty writer's who actually decide this award, this post is really just another excuse to raise the issue of Albert's true age. In support, I would like to invoke the most infallible argument of them all - "Just look at him." Can you tell me with a straight face that Albert is just 28?

No way. This guy came up in Santa Domingo where doctoring birth certificates is a national pastime. By itself, that fact creates a rebuttable presumption that Albert is really 35. Just remember this post when he breaks down in the next couple years.

No real story, just an excuse to post VS photos...

[feel free to click the thumbnails to enlarge]