Thanksgiving exists for us to feel compelled to see family that we ordinarily don't care enough to seek out the rest of the year. So what happens when this hodge-podge of different family personalities combine around a table for food and fellowship? Pain. We prepare you for what you already know is coming.
--A conversation where someone (your mom) works extremely hard to repair someone else's damage. This usually involves a conclusion at the end of her statement that screams of desperate validation. Example: "Steven is an absolute whiz on the computer. He comes over and helps Dad and I with getting our pictures off our camera and into folders on the computer. He was recently made his floor's fire warden at the office and has a bunch of really great friends, doesn't he honey?"
Your Dad feels awkward verbally coming to your defense after this sad plea by your mom. Instead of putting it out there, he tries not to roll his eyes and just slowly nods his contrived approval.
--The person that is hiding what we have all been sure of for the last 8 years.
Example: Your mom comes over to let you know that your Aunt Joyce is coming with 'her friend.' Your mom leans closer to you and gives you the simultaneous 'her friend' in rabbit ear quotations along with a knowing smile. Few of us care anymore what Aunt Joyce is doing or how she is doing it, but it is disturbing when a 73 year old Joyce brings a 76 year old Barbara. Trying to reel in your imagination of those two is fleeting and is playing havoc withyour everyone's appetite.
--The person that was hiding what we thought we were sure of, but now has thrown us an incredible curve.
Example: It was a toss up as to whether Peter was going to come to Thanksgiving. Sometimes he would be vacationing with a few friends in Key West or he would stay home and rest up from his busy night at the latest Bette Midler event. Everyone had pretty much understood what Peter's preferences were until he brings home the nerdy-hot coed Lisa from his photography workshop. A real head-scratcher, it is unknown what is really going on between Peter and his new gal pal. The only sure thing in this scenario is that she is going to be ogled by a recently divorced Uncle Rick and/or drunk Grandpa Milton.
--Those that are already married are going to work hard to get you to share in their communal misery. Those that already have kids are going to work hard to see that all the freedom and fun in your life is quickly sucked away. They tell you how having kids has so enriched their lives and then spend the next 7.4 hours chasing the kids and yelling at their husbands because of the kids. Just once, I would love to hear, "yeah, they are alright. Truthfully they get on every one of my damn nerves...but they are a great tax benefit."
--Fantasy Sports is going to keep a few men from having to endure more painful silences than typical. Sadly, the rest of the table would prefer they suffer in silence.
New boyfriend Tim to Jessica's brother: "Jacob, how are you in your fantasy league."
Jacob: "which one, I am in 3 this year."
Tim: "oh yeah, I was going to do 3, but one of the two I am in is a keeper."
Jacob: "we were thinking of doing that but the guys are a little gun shy...I am in first in all of 3 them."
Tim: "yeah, me too. T.O. is having a phenom year. I cannot believe the trades people are trying to give me for him."
Jacob: "I locked down Norwood for Kevin Smith just before he was injured for the season...other dude was totally pissed."
[awkward silence]
Peter awkwardly chimes in with: "I hear the Cubs are playing the Cowboys later on the sports channel."
Grandpa Milton quietly mutters under his breath: "freaking queer."
Mom: "Steven loves football. He watches football and lots of sports with his friends all the time."
--Even more awkward is that everyone knows that Jessica's boyfriend Tim isn't going to be a repeat performance. Everyone but Jessica. She met him 3 weeks ago. They both 'totally' ordered the same Latte and struck up a riveting conversation about Britney Spears and Posh Spice. The direction of their ever-blossoming relationship seems so positive until they realize they have nothing in common. Unfortunately, this event takes place during dinner. In front of everyone. To everyone's quiet bemusement.
Mom: "So Tim, what do you do?"
Tim: "I work at a local food processing plant."
Jessica: "Dont sell yourself short. Mom, Tim is an electrical engineer."
Mom: "Well...that IS impressive. Steven thought of going into engineering but...."
Tim: "I should probably clarify here. I am not an electrical engineer...I clean the food processing machines and de-clog them every week."
[awkward silence]
Uncle Rick senses weakness and moves in: "So Tim, where do you live?"
Jessica: "Tim is the kindest person. He has a nice little brownstone in the city. His mom has a bad hip and so she lives downstairs so he can keep an eye on her. He is very thoughtful."
Tim knows better than to try and save this one. One point Uncle Rick.
Tim decides if he is going down in flames, he isn't going alone: "So, Aunt Joyce is it? Where did you and Barbara meet."
Mom nearly spits out her cranberry sauce. One point newcomer Tim.
The kids table will have one inhabitant that doesn't belong but cannot fit anywhere else due to the numbers. Sad. Really sad.
Example: Your mom comes over to let you know that your Aunt Joyce is coming with 'her friend.' Your mom leans closer to you and gives you the simultaneous 'her friend' in rabbit ear quotations along with a knowing smile. Few of us care anymore what Aunt Joyce is doing or how she is doing it, but it is disturbing when a 73 year old Joyce brings a 76 year old Barbara. Trying to reel in your imagination of those two is fleeting and is playing havoc with
--The person that was hiding what we thought we were sure of, but now has thrown us an incredible curve.
Example: It was a toss up as to whether Peter was going to come to Thanksgiving. Sometimes he would be vacationing with a few friends in Key West or he would stay home and rest up from his busy night at the latest Bette Midler event. Everyone had pretty much understood what Peter's preferences were until he brings home the nerdy-hot coed Lisa from his photography workshop. A real head-scratcher, it is unknown what is really going on between Peter and his new gal pal. The only sure thing in this scenario is that she is going to be ogled by a recently divorced Uncle Rick and/or drunk Grandpa Milton.
--Those that are already married are going to work hard to get you to share in their communal misery. Those that already have kids are going to work hard to see that all the freedom and fun in your life is quickly sucked away. They tell you how having kids has so enriched their lives and then spend the next 7.4 hours chasing the kids and yelling at their husbands because of the kids. Just once, I would love to hear, "yeah, they are alright. Truthfully they get on every one of my damn nerves...but they are a great tax benefit."
--Fantasy Sports is going to keep a few men from having to endure more painful silences than typical. Sadly, the rest of the table would prefer they suffer in silence.
New boyfriend Tim to Jessica's brother: "Jacob, how are you in your fantasy league."
Jacob: "which one, I am in 3 this year."
Tim: "oh yeah, I was going to do 3, but one of the two I am in is a keeper."
Jacob: "we were thinking of doing that but the guys are a little gun shy...I am in first in all of 3 them."
Tim: "yeah, me too. T.O. is having a phenom year. I cannot believe the trades people are trying to give me for him."
Jacob: "I locked down Norwood for Kevin Smith just before he was injured for the season...other dude was totally pissed."
[awkward silence]
Peter awkwardly chimes in with: "I hear the Cubs are playing the Cowboys later on the sports channel."
Grandpa Milton quietly mutters under his breath: "freaking queer."
Mom: "Steven loves football. He watches football and lots of sports with his friends all the time."
--Even more awkward is that everyone knows that Jessica's boyfriend Tim isn't going to be a repeat performance. Everyone but Jessica. She met him 3 weeks ago. They both 'totally' ordered the same Latte and struck up a riveting conversation about Britney Spears and Posh Spice. The direction of their ever-blossoming relationship seems so positive until they realize they have nothing in common. Unfortunately, this event takes place during dinner. In front of everyone. To everyone's quiet bemusement.
Mom: "So Tim, what do you do?"
Tim: "I work at a local food processing plant."
Jessica: "Dont sell yourself short. Mom, Tim is an electrical engineer."
Mom: "Well...that IS impressive. Steven thought of going into engineering but...."
Tim: "I should probably clarify here. I am not an electrical engineer...I clean the food processing machines and de-clog them every week."
[awkward silence]
Uncle Rick senses weakness and moves in: "So Tim, where do you live?"
Jessica: "Tim is the kindest person. He has a nice little brownstone in the city. His mom has a bad hip and so she lives downstairs so he can keep an eye on her. He is very thoughtful."
Tim knows better than to try and save this one. One point Uncle Rick.
Tim decides if he is going down in flames, he isn't going alone: "So, Aunt Joyce is it? Where did you and Barbara meet."
Mom nearly spits out her cranberry sauce. One point newcomer Tim.
The kids table will have one inhabitant that doesn't belong but cannot fit anywhere else due to the numbers. Sad. Really sad.
So...as you enter the home or welcome others into yours, the painfully slow countdown starts to when your life can return to normal.
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2 comments:
WOw. That totally wasted 5min of my life. I wish I hadn't read all the way to the end of that post.
so lovely to have wasted additional time posting for no reason.
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